i give in every time to doubt ... to anxiousness ....  to the reality that i only ever will fail myself. my desire would be to not even need the courage to say what is in my heart for you. but maybe it is not even in my heart. maybe i had held to you like a life-line, but the life-line was defected and i am sunk to the bottom of this very vast ocean ... "love lifted me" was a song we sang when growing up as a child. but if love doesn't lift me, then shall i drown? i have not kept his laws ... why why why do i hate myself so much? why can't love overcome the hate in me?